ZURICH COMPANY TOUR TO WASHINGTON D.C. (with Rudi Nureyev): MR. BALANCHINE'S PASSING

          These stories begin with the Zurich company still in residence, but near the end of the regime.  Mr. Balanchine had returned to NYC, and we were rehearsing for our American tour to Washington D.C.   Rudolph Nureyev had choreographed a ballet called "MANFRED" to the Tchaikovsky Manfred Symphony, roughly the story of Byron.  He was dancing the lead role, of course.  This was a huge ballet and used everyone in the company.  I was playing the piano from the orchestral score, not so easy, but I managed.   Sometimes Rudi tended to over-choreograph the music....and once I told him that!  He took it well, and just said he agreed with me.  At times he got so caught up in the steps that he would forget to listen to the music....(at least, that was my analysis.)   It was exciting and stimulating for the dancers to be in class with Rudi (not to mention rehearsals)...he was always very entertaining!   I shall never forget that he always wore a woolen cap in class....he believed that was a deterrent against illness....to keep one's head warm!  (I remembered this in later years...to always keep my head warm, and gloves on my hands outdoors.) 
         There were several other ballets being presented in Washington as well....one was a Dohnanyi Piano Concerto called "VARIATIONS ON A NURSERY RHYME" (on the theme of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star").  That may sound simple, but the piece develops into a huge tour de force after a thunderous orchestral introduction followed by the 'Twinkle Twinkle'  Theme played on the piano.  The choreographer, (whose name escapes me at this moment) was Hungarian.  Our Dutch conductor, Andre Presser, was going to be on the podium, for which I was grateful.
          The night before we left on this trip (in Zurich) I had the most vivid dream.....in which Mr. B. died!  I was so upset in the dream, and when I awoke, was crying.   I told Chrissy (my roommate) about it, and she became very disturbed as well.  However, we got ourselves ready and departed for the bus at the Opernhaus which was to transport us to the airport.  Once there, I began to feel a bit better and tried not to think about that dream.  I purchased a coffee and a magazine (still no cellphones) and sat down in the Swissair Terminal waiting area.  The flight was very pleasant, (no bumps or sudden drops) and I became calm.  We landed at JFK, where we were to be transported onto a bus for Washington D.C.  However, upon deplaning, Chrissy and I saw the company's agent (Francis Francis) who rushed up to us...."Mr. B. is gone," he said....and I just gasped!  The dream was accurate (this has happened many times to me....so now I no longer question them).  Pat was sobbing, as was Chrissy, and I was in shock!  How could this happen?  As the reality of this horrible news set in, my mind was reeling.  We still had to go to Washington and perform...(even though there was to be a candlelight ceremony at the State Theater for him, we would NOT be able to attend.   
          While on the bus many scenes of Mr. B drifted through my head....I was having trouble wrapping my mind around this horrible happening!  So many people would be affected by this....the NYCB, the dancers, musicians and personnel in that organization....not to mention the ENTIRE BALLET WORLD!!   I felt like I was living in a nightmare....one from which I would not awaken.  I also thought it was too soon for Mr. B to be leaving all of us.   And this made me unutterably sad.  The entire thing was so surreal...I just could not accept it.  
        It seemed overwhelming to have to perform just now after what had happened.   BUT, the show must go on!  There wasn't a way out of that one!  Not if you are a performer.  It is a code I have lived by all my life
as well as my friends who are performers.  Most people cannot even begin to understand this.  I have performed with bronchitis and a 104 degree fever...and while playing, am NOT sick at all.   Then afterwards, the illness returns.  Very odd!
        We arrived in Washington many hours later, and after checking into our hotel (can't recall if it was the HOLIDAY INN or the WATERGATE), went to eat dinner.   Then I went to bed immediately, as I had an early morning orchestra rehearsal for the Dohnanyi piece.  I was so tired from the traveling, jet lag, and grief, that there was no problem falling asleep.
        I awoke the next morning with a heavy heart....as I recalled immediately what had transpired.  My actions felt wooden....like sleepwalking!  But I forced myself to attention, ate breakfast, and walked to the Kennedy Center Opera House.  It helped to clear the cobwebs from my brain.  Once there I began to practice the piano on which I would be performing in the pit.  The orchestra had not yet arrived, but Andre (conductor) was present.   He was in total disbelief, but both of us knew how to keep our feelings to ourselves.  Others in the orchestra would not be able to identify with the level of grief we were experiencing.   So when everyone was present, Andre made a short announcement about Mr. Balanchine, and then we began the rehearsal.  I was able to concentrate fully on playing, for which I was grateful.  After the orchestral rehearsal, I went upstairs to the ballet studio, to play for the first dance rehearsal.  (Someone else had played class that day as I was busy with the orchestra.  Thank goodness for small favors!  I believe that a completely different pianist had been recruited from a school in Washington to play ALL classes, so I didn't have that particular duty.
          Rudi walked into the studio and immediately came over to me and Christine to express his heartfelt sympathies.  (He knew both of us quite well).  I could see that he was very upset by the dreadful news....he was very fond of Mr. B and respected him so much.  Our first rehearsal was MANFRED with Rudi.  He was very low-key for the entire time....everyone was.  The dancers were doing their very best, but no one felt much like dancing and I didn't feel like playing.  But so what?  You didn't get to just stop....not in this profession!   The next rehearsal was the Dohnanyi piece, which went quite well actually.  Pat was as quiet as I had ever seen her.  She was struggling to keep herself together, as we all were. 
         After the rehearsal, I recall that Chrissy, Elise and I went out for lunch, and then returned to the hotel for a short nap.  The first performance was that evening (not much time to recover from the overseas trip!)   This was par for the course, due to financial considerations.  Sponsors never wanted to pay more than was absolutely necessary!  I still felt as though I were walking underwater, and prayed that feeling would disappear.   I needed my wits about me to perform that Dohnanyi piece (very difficult for the piano soloist).  I did manage to sleep for a short while, then got up to shower, dress and return to the theater.  (When people ask me what ELSE I do on these tours, I just laugh.  I see the theater, the piano, the hotel and a restaurant or two, and that is it!!   No time for much unless we have a day off, which is rare!  And often I sleep that day, order room service and watch TV!  One day I would like to re-visit some of the cities in which I have performed, and be a real tourist!)  Anyway I had a chance to warm up again on the Steinway, and then relax as much as possible in the orchestral lounge.  My number was first on the program, for which I was thankful.  Half-hour was called....(the first alert for the performance), and then 15 minutes was the next alert.  At that point I re-entered the pit and sat down at the piano.  I always feel better sitting AT the piano than anywhere else.  One by one the orchestra members entered the pit, and finally the 5-minute warning bell was sounded.   The players all tuned to the piano "A"....then Andre walked into the pit...the orchestra stood, he bowed, then gestured to me...and I bowed (as the soloist) and the audience applauded all of us.  (Here I must say that this pit was visible from the audience....many are not.)  
         THEN...Pat walked on stage with a glass and a bottle of vodka!!  (I had no idea she was going to make an appearance).  She made a short speech of welcome, and then announced that GEORGE BALANCHINE, our beloved Artistic Director had passed, and she wanted to dedicate the evening's performance to him!  At this point, reality set in (for me).   And I burst into tears at the piano....(in full view of the audience.)   I tried to get myself under control, but was having trouble.  Andre looked at me and mouthed the words: "Are you OK?" I nodded and gestured for him to proceed.  I dimly realized that the audience could see me sobbing!  But I knew that the bombastic orchestral introduction was quite long...at least a minute...and I would be able to control my sobs by the end of it.  I had to, that was all.  And that is what happened.  Somehow I became calm, and played the simple little tune of "TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR," followed by a huge tour de force of pianism and technical difficulty.  It came off without a hitch, thank goodness.  I just played my heart out and thought of nothing but the music!  At the end of the performance there was a huge ovation for everyone.  But when I walked onstage (at this point I could walk without assistance) there was thunderous applause, a standing ovation and catcalls!  The orchestra also stood and applauded for me.  I saw Rudi applauding for me in the wings, and Pat as well.  I was very happy the performance had gone so well, and equally happy that it was over!  It was a very emotional moment for everyone!  I shall never forget it!