MICHAEL, MY MAGNIFICENT FRIEND

            How will you know that I am finished?
            Really, really
            How will I ever know the answer 
            To that question.... 

            Inside my mind
            Within my heart
            There exists no
                 'Cease'
            No grasping the concept of
                 'I am done.'

            And yet
            If God breathes this word,
                  'STOP'
            On me
            I will accept this from Him
            I will be content in Him
            I will be finished.

            But.....considering my history
            Taking into account my motivation
            Understanding the power of my inspiration
            I would expect that
            You would never be finished 
            Receiving
            Because I will never be finished
            Creating
            Only time will tell
            Only God's time will tell.

                  (An excerpt from the full poem....written by 
                  Michael Jackson.  (c) 5/10/10 Rosalynn Smith)

Ros gave me this excerpt a few years ago when she learned of my friendship with Michael.  I am including it here as well as another poem she recently received from him, and posted on Facebook.  For those who are fans of Michael's, see below:

             NO MATTER WHEN I AM AWAKE

             Nor even when I cannot sleep,
             I am never alone.
             Desolate though my mind may feel,
             My heart knows knows nothing of that care. 
             In my every moment
             I am connected with 
             Others also not asleep
             Others in whom 
             My essence is immersed
             My needs attended to
             Others who
             Even not knowing their names
             Even not seeing their faces -
             Though their faces are in my mind's eye
             Though their names are written on my heart -
             Others whom I love unconditionally
             Who love me equally 
             First and also in return.
             I am blanketed in this affection. 

            For I am not a citizen of some place
            I am a child of the world.

            In sleeplessness
            I turn to them -
            My companions
            Whom neither distance nor unawareness
            Can separate from me - 
            I seek them out
            In delight and in sorrow
            In delight and in fear
            In wonder and in doubt
            They never fail me -
            Never have
            Never will -
            And this 
            I pray they know.

            Across eons and light years of time
            Through burdens inconceivable to bear
            Midst bliss indestructible -
            In this earthbound reality
            They are my only constant
            Not even heaven deigns to intervene
            For we transcended 
            Familiar conventions
            We transcend, still
            In our now, 
            For some while, separate
            Realms. 
            Celebrations rise up for us,
            There and here
            Because 
            We bring delight and comfort
            We offer comfort and hope
            Our voices sing of opportunity
            Our bodies move
            In the dance of possibility
            We confirm love
            Beyond ourselves.
            Unremarkable as we should be
            We are, instead, exquisitely unique.  

            Through all the years there was of me,
            This never changed 
            Except, perhaps, to grow
            In number
            In strength
            In sincerity
            You never changed
            Towards me.
            And I,
            Therefore
            Never knew the pain
            Your absence would have been. 

            You are incomparable gifts
            To my heart
            To my life
            To the fullness of my purpose.
            This is the definition of 
            You for me:
                  Blessing given
                  Hope fulfilled
                  Joy eternal
                  Love requited. 

            Sleep now
            Sweet angels there below
            In peace we meet
            In purpose revel
            No matter that I wake or sleep
            I know your constant presence
            So I am not,
            Not ever....
            Alone.
                     
             Rosalynn Smith (c)2014

                    Michael's beautiful writing ability was not known to many.....except, of course, as it applied to his song lyrics.  Somehow it just did not occur to people that his prose or poetry was from the same well as his lyrics!  When I would tell anyone how wonderful his writing was, they were always surprised.  Why?  He was, in fact, a multi-gifted, multi-faceted individual who was a total Renaissance Man, as it were.  Of course, those who worked with him realized he could sing, dance, write music, create shows, act, and etc.  He also could paint and draw very well (many of his paintings were discovered after his death in a huge storage facility...at an airport which wasn't used much.  He was also very athletic....and had he chosen to do so, could have been an ace runner, tennis pro, etc.  He could DO just about everything, including cook!   I cannot speak for others, only myself.  From the onset I was very impressed by his abilities in music and dance; and although I have considerable ability in the field of music (being a professional musician and performer), I was stunned by how much he knew about music....and he was never FORMALLY schooled!  He had a phenomenal ear and could hear the smallest errors on stage, WHILE performing himself.  He really blew me away!  I have worked with dancers all my life (as piano soloist with the NEW YORK CITY BALLET, PACIFIC NORTHWEST BALLET (in Seattle), and THE ZURICH COMPANY in Switzerland....so am very conversant with dance, particularly classical ballet and the Balanchine repertoire.  I ALWAYS knew exactly how steps were connected to the music, and this particular ability led to my work with George Balanchine, Jerome Robbins, Rudi (Rudolph) Nureyev, etc.  And my ability to sightread music easily was a handy little tool!  I never thought much about it....it was easy for me, so I took it for granted.  I remember remarking to Michael how his ability to pick up choreography at the drop of a hat, fascinated me.  He looked at me in surprise, saying "well, Dianne, it is just how you can look at a piece of music and instantly play it!  That really blows my mind!"  Of course, he did not have a real appreciation of how quickly he did learn dance steps.....(I really wish he could have worked with a choreographer like Jerry Robbins, for example, whose works he could have danced wonderfully, I am sure.  He hadn't trained to be a ballet dancer, and did not want to have the muscular thighs that most male dancers acquire via their training).  No.  Michael wanted the long lean look, so he trained for that type of musculature.  When I watched him work, I always wondered which part of his brain he was using for dance, and which part for music.  (I actually wished I could see inside that brain of his!).  Because he was definitely a mixture of the two.  I have to say I was totally mesmerized  by him and really enjoyed spending time with him.  Apparently he felt the same way about me, so we were very close for quite a while.  Because he was so slender, I thought he didn't eat very much, and sometimes he didn't.  But he had a very healthy appetite as well, and especially loved Thanksgiving type dinners...like chicken or turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, veggies and salad.  (KFC was also a great favorite.)  Plus chocolate cake!  He definitely had a sweet tooth, although he didn't overindulge in desserts.  We didn't go out to dinner...that would not have worked, for obvious reasons.  (In my opinion, there is such a thing as TOO much fame!  He definitely had WAY too much, and it prevented him from living his life in a more normal fashion.)  However, he took all that in stride, figuring it was the way things were and part of the hand he had been dealt.  However, I worried about him incessantly, and cautioned him to be very careful with people.  (They weren't going to be like his family, for example, or his musicians, or me).  He was such a GOOD person, and would do anything for anyone, no matter who they were.  This was all fine and good, but for him....it led to many problems, as everyone knows.  He represented 'dollar signs' ($$$$) to many people, even some of his staff.  I don't know how he was able to handle it all.  But he did!!  Such a brilliant person, he really  had a beautiful mind.  And he almost never complained.  He did love performing, and the adulation of the crowd energized him.  On stage he went into his own world and just 'did his thing.'  It was a lot of fun to watch him from the wings...when I was there  we used to go back to his hotel, order room service, and watch television!
         The BAD Tour was the one in which he wanted me to be a participant and play keyboard with the other musicians (there were two other keyboard players....one of them was Greg Phillinganes, who had been with him for some time.  Greg was and still is excellent.....he could play anything by ear!   He wasn't a concert pianist, but that didn't matter.)  The tour was slated to be very long, and I was reluctant to commit to such an extensive period of time.  I had concerts scheduled, and didn't want to cancel them.  He understood, but was disappointed and just a little annoyed, I think.  Now when I look back, I wish I HAD gone with him.  He wanted me to move into his house in Encino (Hayvenhurst, it is called) where he and his family lived....along with some exotic animals as well!  I was a little apprehensive (not about the exotic animals, but being in a household with his dad), but Michael assured me that Joseph (as everyone called him) would leave me alone.  That way I could rehearse with him and the other musicians, as well as practice my concert pieces.  (I soon learned that when he had an idea, he visualized everything around it....all possibilities and contingencies.)  He made it all sound so absolutely inviting and possible, that I really had a difficult time making a decision.  His brothers had moved out by then, although the Jackson brothers were often at the house visiting.  (They were all very close to their mother...none more than Michael.) His sisters LaToya and Janet still lived there....Rebbie had left the nest long ago to marry Nathaniel Brown.  The house had been remodeled by Michael, and he owned the deed...and shared that with his mom so she would have something of her own.  (I don't think I have ever met a man who was more devoted to his mother than Michael).  
        He had not yet purchased his Neverland Ranch, but it was in the works.  He had big plans for that property....and drew up countless scenarios and maps.  He talked constantly about it, as it was to be his 'forever' home.  I could hardly wait for it to happen.  He was building a zoo for all his animals, a theater (of course) which included 2 bedrooms (enclosed by glass windows) with hospital type beds for terminally ill children.  Included on the property was to be a Disney-type theme park...with many wonderful rides (including a carousel...my favorite.)  There was going to be a train which ran around the residential part of the property.  He thought of everything....and sometimes would stop what he was doing, (working), and write something down...about that property.  He brought all of his powerful imagination to bear upon the creation of this residence.  The filming of "SAY SAY SAY" had been done on the property....   Paul McCartney and his wife had leased it for a brief time, and Michael was enchanted with it.  When he shared his ideas with me it was like watching a magician create an illusion, because when he described something, one could actually SEE it.  
      At this time his skin color was still dark, although it had lightened considerably.  When he performed, the perspiration on his face caused his makeup to run, and one could see the blotches on his skin.  I know this really caused him misery, but he mostly tried to ignore it.  Unfortunately, many didn't believe he had vitiligo (the skin disorder which causes the pigmentation of the skin to lose its color----white people, for example, become 'albinos') and thought he was trying to become 'white'.  Nothing could have been further from the truth.  Michael was an African American man with curly black hair who was proud of his heritage.  It has always been mystifying to me why he was criticized so viciously for this....and other matters.  He had no control over the color of his skin (any more than you or I do), and would have preferred (if possible) to remain a black American.  It didn't matter to me WHAT color he was; he was just Michael to me.  I told him that....he knew that I loved him as he was.  Black, white, green, or somewhere in between!
        One thing that really bothered him as a young teenager was the size of his nose.  Apparently he had been teased about that as a kid.  So he changed it one day....(this was before I knew him...he told me about it). He said he came home with bandages on his face, and his mother nearly fainted.  Now why that should concern people is beyond me.  Nearly every celebrity (as well as others) frequently have 'nose jobs.'  I personally think he went a bit too far with that nose reduction business, but it WAS his nose.  Why shouldn't he do what he wanted?  He could certainly afford it!  That was the only thing he did to his face, however.   He didn't change his cheekbones, although he did have a cleft put in his chin.  (He liked how that looked on Kirk Douglas!)
        He could not understand the media's fascination with all those personal issues.  What interested him was how someone's mind worked, what they thought, what they accomplished, etc.  He was so far from being small-minded, interested in gossip, or what the tabloids offered.  It bothered me so much to see what people actually wrote about him.  Most of it was nonsense....fabricated lies, just to sell magazines or newspapers.  I recall reading one of those terrible magazines and then throwing it on the floor!  I was so irate!  Michael just said....'don't worry about all that.  I don't.' And then he threw the magazine away.  That is how he was!  It seemed to me that the press builds a person up one minute only to tear them down the next.  That was what happened to him.  He went from being the darling of the pop music world to being criticized for everything he did (and then some).  I HATED it!!!  (It was then that I remembered Mr. Balanchine telling me in the elevator in the New York State Theater not to put too much stock in any review I might get.  I had just played in Alice Tully Hall and received a marvelous review.  He said "if you believe the Good ones, then you have to believe the Bad.  Best to believe nothing, and just do your work!"  Wise man!  I told Michael exactly what Mr. Balanchine had said to me...and he said the same thing..."he is right...you can only believe in yourself."  Oh Boy!  I learned something that day about Michael.  What a strong character he was!
       I recall that on the day he passed, I had to go to work at PNB....didn't want to....but had to.  My eyes were all red and I couldn't stop crying.  One of the girls asked me what was wrong, and I said, "Michael Jackson died yesterday, and I don't think I can handle it."  Another girl said to me..."Dianne, I hope you are not TOO upset."  Too upset?  What is that anyway?   I just looked at her and said, "I am more upset than you can possibly imagine."  Of course, they didn't know what my history with him had been, so when anyone began to talk about him, I just quietly said that it would be better NOT to talk about him to me, especially if it is negative.  So they all left me alone....which is what I wanted.  Just being around people that day was too much!  I went home that night and decided NOT to work the next day.  I needed to be alone!   (And as I write this, I can feel the tears begin.)
       Michael loved music SO much....more than any other musician I have ever met.  He could listen for hours!  This is classical music I am talking about!  He adored Tchaikovsky, Debussy, Ravel, and many other composers.  One of his favorite pieces of music was NUTCRACKER!!!  When he told me that, I laughed so hard!   Of course, he didn't know that I had played Nutcracker at Christmas time for rehearsals for the ballet...and also played in the orchestra....(for years,) and practically knew the score by heart.  When I told him that, he asked me to play some of it on the piano.....he had never heard NUTCRACKER played on the piano, only orchestral recordings.  So of course, I obliged.....I happened to have the score at home!  (I don't think anyone else could have persuaded me to play Nutcracker at home on the piano).  He was absolutely transfixed by my adaptation of the score to the piano....and wanted me to keep playing!  That day I played most of it for him....can you believe it?  I still laugh to myself when I think of that day!  He also adored AFTERNOON OF A FAUN by Debussy....plus some other music of Debussy.  He asked me to play those pieces as well.  And Ravel, and Bach.  Which I did, of course.  So I ended up playing a great deal of music for him on that occasion.  He was an excellent audience!  On one of those musical days, I asked him to sing BEN for me....and I accompanied him.  I shall never forget that!   
        Sometimes he would get a faraway look in his eyes, and I would know that a song or some piece of music was coming to him.  (And at times he would wake up with a piece of music already done in his head!)  One of those times, I ran to get my staff paper and pencil, and asked him to sing the melody to me....and I wrote down what he sang instantly.  He would have the entire piece in his head....the instrumentation, the lead vocals, the vocal harmonies, words, percussion....everything.  His ability to sing every part into a tape machine is well-known (with the rhythm in there as well)....beat boxing, it is called.....but it was very fascinating to actually hear him do this.  When he recorded a song, he would sing all the harmonies to his own vocals one by one....and remember ALL the others he had just recorded.  This is NOT easy.  All the vocals were absolutely spot on.  He had perfect pitch...(the innate knowing of the pitches of all notes).  I have this ability as well......it is not so common.  Many musicians do NOT have this particular talent.  It is a huge asset in performing, and is very helpful in taking musical dictation.  I have to say here that he was like a water tap....when the tap was turned on, music just poured out.  Every day I learned something new about him.  
        When I watch performances of Michael's now, and hear how many speak about him, I am once again reminded of his actual being.  I always had a slight problem reconciling the REAL person with the huge star and performer that he was.  In fact, I almost never thought about how famous he was during our relationship.  It just didn't come up.  [That is how it is with anyone whom you know personally, and who happens to be a world renowned artist.  George Balanchine comes to mind...who was the Director and Chief Choreographer for the New York City Ballet (and my 'boss.'), Jerry (Jerome) Robbins one of the world's foremost choreographers...and creator of West Side Story, Rudolph (Rudi) Nureyev... who was the most famous ballet dancer of our time, etc.  They all worked hard at their craft, as did I...and we all worked together.]  It was the same with Mike...he worked extremely hard at his craft...and often recorded a song 20 + times to get it 'right.'  He also would 'run through' his shows (on non-performance days) at least twice.  He would do all his numbers 'full-out'...and expected the others to do the same.  Michael didn't act like a big star in these instances....he behaved as if he had not yet reached that pinnacle!  He believed in rehearsing, that was for sure....he knew that repetition was the key to a perfect or near-perfect performance.   (That was how he was raised...he learned all this as a child.  Work, work, work!!!)  When dancers I know complain of constant rehearsals, I want to tell them about Michael...no one ever worked harder than he did.  He wasn't conscious of the effect he had on people, in fact he was quite shy.  I believe he appreciated that I didn't fall to the floor in a dead faint, whenever I was around him!  When I read what people, especially women write about him, I laugh to myself.  It seems so silly to be ga-ga over anybody...star or not...that is my feeling anyway.  Michael was a man....a real one, with bona fide feelings and issues.  He was not perfect, but was nearer to perfection than most.  
         He had a fabulous sense of humor, and laughed easily, sometimes with a wicked cackle.  (That always made me laugh!)  Sometimes he could be very silly, but it was always fun!  And he loved to tease....I recall the time when he chased me around with a spider (quite a large one) in a little box.  (He, of course, was not afraid of any insect, snake, or animal).  I  screamed and tried to get away, but he caught me...(he was faster), and put the spider on my hand.  Ugh!!!  I didn't like that much, but he thought it was hysterically funny!  (My own brother used to do that to me...I detested spiders.) 
          Michael was always drawn to spiritual issues and wrote a great deal about such matters.  His book, DANCING THE DREAM is a case in point.  I have been reading that book again, and marvel at how his words could clarify and elucidate.  I am including a short poem here:
                                BREAKING FREE 
            
             All t1his hysteria, all this commotion
             Time, space, energy are just a notion
             What we have conceptualized we have created
             All those loved, all those hated. 

             Where is the beginning, where's the end
             Time's arrow, so difficult to bend
             Those broken promises, what they meant
             Those love letters, never sent.  

He wrote a great deal about the planet....and composed the song: EARTH SONG.....begging people to be mindful of the damage before it is too late.  (This was one of his last performances (DR) in the Staples Center near the end of his life.)  He spoke to the entire cast....saying that "we had 4 years to get it right before it is too late."  That was in 2009....and now it is nearly 5 years later.....is it too late?  Considering the past winter in all parts of the world, I wonder.  Michael was a visionary....and he could see what most could NOT.  He also wrote, "we've been treating Mother Earth the way some people treat a rental apartment.  Just trash it and move on."  AND "we have to heal our wounded world.  The chaos, despair, and senseless destruction we see today are a result of the alienation that people feel from each other and their environment.  Often this alienation has its roots in an emotionally deprived childhood.  Children have had their childhood stolen from them.  A child's mind needs the nourishment of mystery, magic, wonder, and excitement.  I want my work to help people rediscover the the child that's hiding in them."
         He also wrote about God, Love, Ecstasy, Trust, Magic.  "My idea of magic doesn't have much to do with stage tricks and illusions.  The whole world abounds in magic...."  And he wrote about Animals (there is an especially lovely story about a baby seal), Elephants (he loved elephants), Heaven, Angels, Stars, Music and Dance.
                               HOW I MAKE MUSIC 

         "People ask me how I make music.   I tell them I just step into it.  It's like stepping into a river and joining the flow.  Every moment in the river has its song.  So I stay in the moment and listen.  What I hear is never the same.  A walk through the woods brings a light, crackling song:  Leaves rustle in the wind, birds chatter, and squirrels scold, twigs crunch underfoot, and the beat of my heart holds it all together.  When you join the flow, the music is inside and outside, and both are the same.  As long as I can listen to the moment, I'll always have music."
          I am very sure that wherever he is now, he has music....and is no doubt composing.  While writing this, I am listening to the latest CD release.....XSCAPE, which is wonderful.  And I watched the documentary of L.A. Reid, Rodney Jerkins, and the others who worked on this CD.  (Rodney said he had dreamed that he would work with Michael, before he met him.  And that came true).  He told Michael....and MJ said..."dreams almost always come true."  The day before he passed, I dreamed of it.  That was NOT a nice dream....and it came true.  I feel very close to him...and not a day goes by when I don't think about him.  His humanitarian instincts AND actions seemed to know no bounds.  That generous and lovely man was like NO other, and I miss him dreadfully.  When someone says anything negative about him, I really have to restrain myself.  I think the look on my face is enough to stop further remarks....scowling seems to work!  It is gratifying that this new CD has been released.  Michael would have wanted that....he was anxious for his work to be heard...and preserved, and he was so prolific.  (like a water tap, as I said before).  He wrote many, many songs for each of his albums so there would be a large choice....and only a fraction of them were used, for whatever reason.   I do know that he was headed in a classical direction....(with a beat)....and he wanted to study music in a more formal way....learning music theory, formalization of composition, anatomy of music, which composers did what and why, etc.  I could have helped him with all of that.  (Not that he needed it...but he wanted to KNOW.)  I wanted him to compose some music for me to play on the piano, in a concert.  Although he hadn't gotten around to it, I knew that something was germinating in his brain, because when I asked him about it on the phone, he just laughed and said..."all in good time, girl, all in good time."  Well, it is about time now....I do think!  Maybe something will come drifting down!  One never knows!!!